Resilience

Before I started training to become a therapist, I was under the belief that resilience is something that some people are born with and some people are not. This is a myth that a lot of us believe and it can be harmful because it implies that if you don’t have it then you can’t ever have it, which is not true. There are ways to grow your resilience and I believe that it starts with the understanding of what resilience really is. Growing research within the field of psychology shows that resilience is like a muscle. Just like in the gym, you have to keep training this muscle over time and as you do this, you grow in your strength to take on more weight and bounce back faster. Resilience is your bounce back from adversity in your life and you’re more than capable of building your muscle in order to more effectively weather the storms that inevitably affect us all.

So, how do we bounce back from adversity? A lot of it comes from your mindset. A fixed mindset is rigid and closed off to other outcomes as it assumes that when we make a mistake it’s a failure and there’s no other option for us to move forward. What we want to cultivate instead is the growth mindset. The growth mindset reframes our obstacles from seeing them as barriers to looking at them as opportunities to learn and grow. It teaches us that we can learn from the adversity and that we have a multitude of other pathways that we can take to reach our goals even if our initial plans didn’t work out. Therapy is an amazing and useful space to build your growth mindset and work your resilience muscles. I want to encourage you to be open-minded to the therapeutic process on both good days and bad days, your openness can quite literally open new doors for you and your resilience structure. I wish you well on your resilience journey, it’s not easy, but it’s very much worth it.

Prioritizing Self-Care as Seasons Change

As summer starts dwindling to an end, it can be normal to experience an array of mixed emotions with the busy season of autumn approaching. Feelings of excitement and anxiety often co-exist as school or work obligations increase, leaving many individuals overwhelmed and fatigued. Mental health and self-care can start to take lower priority when our schedules fill up, so it is important to check-in with ourselves and set-boundaries to maintain our physical and emotional well-being. If you notice you are feeling burnt-out or distressed, it may be helpful to:

• Rest your mind and body 

• Spend quality time with loved ones

• Write a gratitude list 

• Enjoy time outside in fresh air

• Participate in body movement

• Make time for hobbies 

Lastly, it is important to remember that your worth as a human being is much more than a letter on a report card or a job title on a resume. Trying your best is good enough, and it is okay to make mistakes even when society promotes perfection. 

Shame - "Everyone needs to feel a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed." - Nietzche

Most human beings have probably experienced shame. It might be a feeling of hot lava that slowly explodes from the center of your body. Or a sudden internal clenching and an urgent need to shut down all feeling senses. It might look like a need to isolate and tend our internal wounds. Maybe there is the more intellectualized response to shame, the endless circling around a topic and never being able to land in an emotionally resolved place. Everyone’s response is individually felt and different, but shame is a universal occurrence. The intense dread that accompanies shame can be all-consuming and can deter one from truly engaging in the process of self-discovery. Babette Rothschild, author, therapist, and traumatic stress expert, in her book 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, pointed out that shame has a necessary role in the evolution of any culture or society. She wrote “Shame is necessary to help the tribe survive . . . and an indicator that a behavior or a state of affairs is just plain wrong” (p. 91). As with all things, dealing with your shame requires a balanced approach. We should not go black and white and completely demonize our feelings of shame, but we also need to balance overwhelming feelings of shame that paralyze us and keep us from self-discovery and self-forgiveness. Unacknowledged or overwhelming feelings of shame can be one of the major roadblocks to pursuing therapy.

It is an almost universal reaction to personal shame to withdraw physically and emotionally and find a place to isolate. Shame tells us that something is wrong. Even more confusing, sometimes we can take on shame for others who have committed acts shamelessly. Rothschild wrote about shame needing contact to resolve. She meant that shame is something that needs and benefits from human contact, understanding, and compassion. When we can air out our shameful feelings under safe circumstances and see it outside of ourselves, we might be able to take a different perspective and understanding of what it is that we are dealing with. Bringing up topics that are intertwined with shame requires a lot of bravery.

One way to explore shame is to approach it as unexpressed grief. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler wrote prolifically on grief in their book On Greif and Grieving. They wrote about the five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Once the shame is made conscious and aired out with the compassionate help of another person, you may realize that you are in one of these phases of grief. Perhaps it is grief around not showing up in exactly the way that other people want us to. Historically we are a species that needs each other. Our optimal survival was based on group living and being able to function in relation to group needs. Even now in our evolved world, there are ways in which we still need our tribes. This applies most directly in a social way. We need togetherness and affirmation from our peers.

Psychodynamic depth-oriented therapy promotes individuation as one of the main goals. Individuation involves exploring the idea of radical self-acceptance. In this process we start to explore aspects of ourselves that have been abandoned to the shadow. The shadow is part of our unconscious mind where we store things that we would rather not deal with or look at. These feelings and thoughts are the ones that typically bring on shame when they enter consciousness. Radical individuation requires that we not only try to acknowledge these shadowy aspects of ourselves but that we invite them into the conversation of who we are in the process of self-acceptance. As we do this, we might begin to place a priority on our individual needs. This is a complicated and often painful process that takes time. Because of this, therapy might feel worse before it feels better. There is fear when we prioritize showing up for ourselves in just the way we need. Fear that we will be left behind, not wanted, not affirmed by the people around us, abandoned. The sacrifices that we make when we concern ourselves with the expression and acceptance of the whole Self, is that we leave other’s opinions of us to take a much smaller role of importance in our lives. And even though we may choose this direction and emphasis, we still feel the loss of all the things that we did not choose. And losses require grieving.

Perhaps the next time you find yourself engaged in the circular intellectualizing of shame, the hot sweaty, or clenched bodily response to it, contemplate grief. Contemplate the loss that might have just occurred in not being able to show up as we have been socially programmed to do. Explore your feelings, allow yourself to feel loss, and engage in your personal expression of grief in this loss. It might help you to move forward.

Nurturing Personal Harmony and Empowering LGBTQ+ Individuals in Challenging Times

Dear Friends,

I hope this message finds you well, enveloped in love, and courageously navigating the ever-changing tides of life. As I sit down to write this newsletter as a gay therapist at Pelican Cove, my heart overflows with gratitude for the opportunity to support and uplift the LGBTQ+ community in their pursuit of mental health care and personal empowerment.

Recently, our community has faced legislative pushback that threatens the rights and protections we have fought so hard to secure. It is in these challenging moments that the importance of maintaining personal harmony becomes even more profound. It is my honor to share some empowering strategies that can guide LGBTQ+ individuals through these turbulent times.

Let us embark on a journey together, one that speaks to the core of our being and nourishes our souls. Imagine a sanctuary of self-care, where you prioritize activities that bring you joy, healing, and tranquility. Picture yourself engaging in moments of mindfulness, embracing the power of meditation, and exploring the strength within through exercise and creative expression. These practices will not only build resilience but also provide a respite for your spirit when the world seems overwhelming.

In this sanctuary, you will find a community of warriors, allies, and friends who stand united in solidarity. Embrace those who uplift and cherish you for who you are. Seek out support groups, whether in-person or online, that serve as beacons of understanding, where shared experiences provide solace and guidance. Together, we can create a tapestry of love and acceptance that wraps us in warmth and understanding.

Therapy, dear friends, is a sacred space where you are seen, heard, and validated. It is an opportunity to explore the depths of your emotions, process the challenges you face, and nurture personal growth. Our team of compassionate therapists is here to walk alongside you on this transformative journey, providing an environment that affirms your identity and honors your unique narrative.

But we do not stop at self-care and personal growth. We rise as advocates and warriors for change. Our voices, collectively woven into a tapestry of resilience, hold the power to create a world of equality and acceptance. Please stand with us as we join forces with LGBTQ+ organizations, allies, and advocates to raise awareness, fight discrimination, and reshape society with our unwavering commitment to justice.

In our pursuit of empowerment, we challenge the status quo. We confront stigma head-on and pave the way for education and understanding. Engage in conversations with friends, family, and colleagues, and let your authentic voice rise above the noise. Advocate for inclusive policies, comprehensive education, and a world that celebrates the beauty of diversity. Together, we can break down barriers and foster a more compassionate and inclusive society.

At Pelican Cove, we stand with you. We are dedicated to providing inclusive and affirming mental health care for all individuals, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Our therapists specialize in LGBTQ+ issues, and our doors are open to embracing your journey, your truth, and your unique narrative.

You are not alone, dear friends. Together, we create a symphony of resilience, strength, and personal harmony. If you or someone you know could benefit from our services or would like more information, please don't hesitate to reach out to our dedicated team. We are here to support you in every step of your beautiful journey.

As I conclude this heartfelt letter, know that you are cherished, celebrated, and loved. The road may be arduous, but we march forward hand in hand, empowering one another and forging a future of love, acceptance, and equality.

With an unwavering commitment and love,

A Friend at Pelican Cove Counseling Center

The Ups and Downs of Accessing Awareness

One of the best things that can happen when embarking on any form of therapeutic work is the development of insight or awareness. This can be with behaviors, patterns, and a larger vocabulary to describe our internal landscapes. And, as many know who are already on this inward journey, gaining insight often takes time, sometimes months and even years. The benefits of gaining awareness or insight include learning to understand our triggers or the things that pull us out of equilibrium, learning why we find ourselves in similar situations (even when we know better), and gaining a greater capacity to make healthy choices for ourselves simply because we have access to more information.

Spoiler alert. Unfortunately, being in therapy and working towards insight and awareness is not all rainbows and unicorns. In fact, this is something that your therapist may have already discussed with you. Therapy is work, and it can often feel like things are getting worse before they actually get better. This can be a challenging reality, especially because we seek therapy in order to feel better, not worse! A part of this is due to the valuable but sometimes uncomfortable process which increases our awareness while also revealing things that are painful and yucky. Imagine learning about one form of history your entire life, then, all of a sudden, a whole new history is presented to you, one that previous to now, you have no idea about. Shock, disbelief, anger, and sadness are all common and normal responses to such a process.

So, what can you do about it? What can you do to regain a sense of agency and stability when your therapy journey starts to go deep toward insight and far out of your comfort zone? Here are a few helpful tips that I have found helpful along my own therapy journey.

1. See discomfort as a normal part of the process - Instead of seeing discomfort as a sign that things are getting worse, try and reframe it to say I am getting to know more about myself. We often aren’t taught how to be with or tolerate uncomfortable feelings. If these things come up for you during or after the session, take a step back and recognize you are doing big and important work, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

2. Find ways to digest and process new information - There are many ways to process information creatively. Some of the best can be journaling, meditation, breathwork, creating art, calling a friend, and being in nature.

3. Create rituals to contain your session - Before I sit for personal therapy, I always light something that smells good, and do so again after my therapy session has ended. If you are getting into some deep water in therapy, explore ways to mark the start and end of a session so that the experience feels safe and contained. Light candles or incense, change your clothes after the session, wash your hands, or take a quick shower to reset. I even like to jump up and down to shake off whatever needs to be released when I have a particularly hard session to process.

4. Join a group to share your experience - It is 2023, so there is literally a group for everything! Taking your experience out of your individual therapy and into a group can be a beneficial way to connect to others who share and can relate with your experiences.

5. Trust the process - Yes, this sounds a little woo-woo, I get it. But here’s the deal - so much in life is really out of our control. When insights and information start to flood our system, trust in your own resilience to work with it. Sometimes getting our hands dirty can be the best kind of medicine. It can also be therapeutic to remember that we can do hard things, even when we don’t want to.

6. Compassion, compassion, compassion - It’s not always easy, but it’s effective. Compassion for yourself, for others, for the world. Science shows how practicing compassion can make us more resilient in handling challenging circumstances. Give it a try and see what happens!

7. Bring it to therapy - Sometimes we want to show up to therapy with only good news or progress we are making. Yet the reality is, sometimes we are overwhelmed, angry, or frustrated with the therapy process. Therapy is the perfect place to talk about these things! You don’t have to work through big stuff alone.

“Speaking from personal experience, gaining insight can be as painful as it is helpful. In learning to be more honest with ourselves about what was and what is, we can move forward in life with a greater sense of wholeness and purpose.” - Kimberly Brounstein